'How Do I Know If I Am In A Dysfunctional Relationship?'

How Do I Know If I Am In A Dysfunctional Relationship?

By Chandra Alexander, MSW at 09/04/07 21:27

No one likes to think of themselves as being in a dysfunctional relationship, but at one time or another, all of us have experienced these feelings. We all do it wrong until we learn how to do it right. Here a few things to think about. Dysfunctional relationships make you feel bad about yourself. When you feel bad about yourself -

1. You always feel resentful. If you’re always resentful, you’re in a dysfunctional relationship. Being resentful means you are doing things on a daily basis that you do not want to do.

2. And that makes you very angry. Anger is very unattractive and is really sadness flipped unpside down.

3.You have a walking on eggs relationship. You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always afraid of what the other person’s response might be. You tip-toeing around waiting for the "right" time to talk (there never is a right time).

4.You feel more and more isolated. You stop talking to friends and family because you are ashamed and embarrassed to keep repeating your story.

5.You doubt yourself – what you at one time knew to be true you now are unsure of. As your self-esteem drops, you are less and less sure of yourself.

6.You have become “less” (than who you really are) to stay in it. The whole reason to be in relationship with another person is that you can be more. The feeling is “crank it up”, not tone it down.

If you are less than what you know (in your heart) you can be – you are in a dysfunctional relationship. (to be continued)

I don't know what to do. I have been married to her for a long time, and I have just about had enough of her controlling me. It seems I can't say anything without her screaming and putting me down. I feel trapped. For years I thought this was normal, but now I see that it is not. I need help to try and figure this out.

I have been in a 4 year relationship and I feel like I ended up with a bully. He is a recovered addict/alcoholic 14 years sober. I feel he uses that to validate things he does. As long as he's not using it's okay. I'm tired of fighting just to get treated with respect. It's a rollercoast ride I feel trapped. I feel embarassed.

All 6 of these points apply to me. I am very surprised and saddened by it. Despite my feelings of being hurt over and over, I also feel like I cause problems unnecessarily. How does one deal with being hurt, but also feel like they hurt in return? I feel like a horrible crazy person and I don't know if it my own mental issues or if it is due to my relationship. What if it is all my fault? I am so confused.

My biggest problem is always being blame for everything. He is a addict/ clean now for 3 years. He uses that as excuses for everything. He is very insecure, he hates when I go over my mom house, even though he denies it. We argue everytime I want to go out with my girlfriend, but at the end I stay home because it would be a bigger argument or he would follow me just like in the pass. This is everytime. And he is always asking, What is going on? I know something is going on? I need help

I just got over a relationship that was like this. I too thought that it was ME who was totally in the wrong. My mistakes were crimes. He didn't respect me and he was bitter about his own life. So after breaking contact and recontacting and breaking it again so many times I promised myself that this was the last time and that I would never contact him again.

The problem I have now is that I have remorse for things that he hated me for and still want to be with him! AS if I can not find anyone else who could love me. LOTS of people do. Sometimes I think I hold on to wanting to be with him because His birthday is in a few days and it has been hard for me not to want to contact him. I can't seem to find myself wanted to be with someone new either even though I have not seen him in months. this sucks.

i am 22 and been in a relationship for a year and 8 months. i feel i am no longer the fun loving person i used to be if i go out with friends( the few i have left) it ends up ib an argument so its easier to stay in, and if we dont argue i feel i need to ask to go out and feel guilty if i go out. i feel i dont have my own mind anymore if he asks for my opinion it just gets brushed aside and does what he wants so i dont bother anymore i just say whatever you want to do or whatever you want to eat or whereever you want to go, i feel i am slowly waisting away i mean for god sack im 22 their is sooo much more to do with my life holidays see the world but all we do is sit in go to work stay in go to work, but i dont want to go out with him i want my own life my own identity i just feel so trapped bacause i know he loves me and says he doesnt know what he would do without me. im so confused.

I have been in a relationship with a guy for a little over 6 months and we broke up every 2 weeks like clockwork. Each time we would argue about something that seemed so irrelevant but he would blow it way out of proportion to the point of me walking out (I hate screaming fights). Then he would leave cruel & hurtful voice mails on my cell phone for hours afterward until I had to turn my phone off.

He is a recovering addict and though he's been clean for 15 years, he's never dealt with the abuse he received as a child from his father. So anytime I would bring something up the least bit negative, he perceived it as a threat and became a different person - I called him Mr. Hyde - definitely not the loving, caring man he normally was. Days later he would apologize, we would make up, only for the cycle to repeat itself a week or so later.

I finally realized that he needs more help than I am equipped to give him. I deserve to be treated with respect and I will not tolerate anything less. Hurting for a short period of time now is better than hurting for years from his verbal abuse.

I am in a unhealthy relationship. I am the yes to all those symptoms. He rarely wants to talk to me b/c he says he is stressed and when I want to leave he negs me not to go. I am financialy dependent and I used to always work so hard and carry 2 to 3 jobs and he insinuated if I go work he may stray away. I am with him every day but I found phone calls to his ex who lives 5 states away and he lied about those calls. I know this is wrong for me. I feel so pathetic. There is so much more and I am so angry sad and frustrated.

I have been married for 7 years. All my life I have been struggling with anxiety and anger. So it is very rare that I feel normal and in a good mood. I have noticed that my husband decides to emotionally vomit on me almost every time I am feeling balanced. This throws me off again and it takes me some time to rebalance. I hate these cycles, I don't think it is all him, but these emotional blast from him does not help a bit...This has gone on for way too long. I have been on meds to stabilize my moods...but it seems as though he likes me in more a needy mode. I am deciding to call it quits on this relationship, but I am very nervous since I have 2 kids and unsure about starting my life all over again.

Lets see I have been in this relationship for four years. We got serious fast. I can't remember when we started fighting but they just keep getting worse and more voilent. I'm always wrong no matter what I do. I'm selfish, fat, lazy, crazy and mean according to him. I am simply a bad person. To top it off I am always the one who starts the aurguements. He is never the cause of the arguement its just my lack of maturity that I can not see how I start these problems. I can't talk to any of my friends or family about it because I'm embarssed for him and I. He didn't use to be like this. We just kind of bring out the worst in eachother. I'm really beginning to think I'm crazy because I constantly argue with myself. I start to think wow this is bad I need to get out of this but then I think of how I caused the arguement. Then I go back to the thought that I didn't start the arguement and he really is a bully. I'm so lost and confused. i know longer can identify reality.

Nikki,

You said it best yourself. You have the answers already and how insightful you are! If you know that you are no longer able to identify reality then you also know that what's going on in your current relationship is not healthy...so get out and take some time to think. Yes, there are probably things that you like, or even love about him, or you wouldn't still be with him. And I'm no saying that he's a bad guy, but this will never change if you don't make a change. You can't change other people's behaviors, unfortunately....no matter how hard you try. The only way to influence another's behavior is to change your own and you have the power to do that.

My boyfriend and I have been going out for 1 year, and we had fought a lot then the fighting stopped, we started just being happier together, now we are starting to fight again, I feel as if he doesn't even care any more, I don't know what feelings he has for me.

Everything applies to me..

I'm just too scared to end it, I don't want to be alone and I'm afraid of never finding someone again..

Im so terrified

my boyfriend of 2 year see's me for a few hours mid week and over night from 8ish at the weekend. we stay in contact constantly through email(daily) and text(nightly). I have never met family/friends of his and he goes on cinema dates( which aren't date date's) with a girl friend of his and I am jealous. I feel 100% GUILTY of being jealous and i justify this and belittle my feelinsg of guilt.Is this relationship doomed/.

ve been in a on and off again relationship for a total of six years. I left last november moved seventeen hundred miles away, I loved this guy but I feel as if love is not enough to put up with him hiding the most rediculous things from me, I feel he is not my best friend, because, if I tell him something in confidence, he tells others about it. I dont see us progressing as a couple and having goals, I have goals but he seems to keep all of his in his own head. When we argue and he tells me he is going to change, he does for a while then slowly goes back to his same ways. we will discuss a problem we come up with a plan, and then he repeats the problem and cant seem to stop taking a step forward and then backwards. He has no dreams or goals for our future, I think that he has his own and I am here to keep him company because he get lonely by himself. He is married, supporting his wife for the last seven or eight years. He is only concerned on things that make him happy, he doesnt care about my happiness.

ok I've been with my girlfriend for two and a half years.. she doesn't physically abuse me or put me down or anything its just lately she hasn't been there.. she never wants to talk and when I get off work she either has someone over or she's not here..I have alot going on in my life right now.. my grandpa just had cancer surgery last week and I haven't seen my daughter in a month and a half.. and every time I tell her im hurt i need her comfort she runs away......I just dont no what to do

i have been with my boyfriend for 1 and half years. i feel like hes no longer the one but then again i do love him and i can still but hes not perfect in so many ways taht means not enough to marry him and another thought i do want to marry. i cant hurt him i want to be by his side all my life. i feel jealous of other women having found their perfect boyfriend/husband. im so confused please help.

I was in a disfunctional relationship which ended about 9 months ago when he dumped me for another woman or should I say other women(lol)...the worst thing is I still love him even though he treated me like dirt throughout the time we were together. My self esteem is at its lowest right now. I dont know what I did, I wish I could just forget about him but its hard. i hate this feeling; i feel so weak and desperate and I dont like feeling like this.

I'm in a bad relationship. When I meet my boyfriend he was an alcoholic. About 2 years after he became sober. He's been clean for a little over a year. He was also diagnosed with Bi-polar, while we were together. He uses both as excuses to not work. He thinks that the disability money he gets for being bipolar is enough to live off of. It's not. I work and go to college. He sits around the room all day. We rent a room from someone, because we can't afford a place. When I express my feelings he calls me names and says i'm a psycho. I've been over the work thing for 6 months. He refuses to get a job. I would leave, but I have no where to go. I can't afford anything, so I'm dependent on the very person who drags me down. I get stressed out, but he replies "oh bo ho". I feel trapped, but I want out.

I have been in a 2 year relationship with this man. We were alright during first few months, after sometime he start cheating and lying on me. I feel that facebooking, myspace,etc is not normal specially when he click on women and flirt them and ask them to meet up... He said they are his friends though, but the truth he just clicked on them and start chatting and sent them messages. After couple of months he just left me bec he met another girl, for almost 2 months he never saw me or made any effort, or not even break up with me... i tried to move on, but he came back. i accepted him back and things were alright then we decided to stay together after his vacation. After few months of living together he went back to his old ways cheating me with other women. I wld even sometime phone some women, which they said he never mentioned he's got a girl friend, the girls wld stay away from him bec i wld talk to them... there was even one time that he really got so pissed when i spoke to one of the girl... i know its so pathetic of me, im stuck and still with him when he left me already and decided to live on hs own, when i felt that he just used me and never really care for me, til now we see eachother but i would be the one to make effort to go to his flat and stay whenever, i feel so insecure and jealous a lot of times, we end up fighting over my jealousy bec i feel that whenever im not around he calls girls, meet up other girls or even pay prostitues to bring to his flat for a . It hurst bec i know its so dysfunctional and im still in this relationship with this guy... he never made any effort to take me out for almost 10 months now.. so frustrating, i just want to work on myselft and move on... i just want to leave this guy, but im hurting... i dunno now, but i hope to find wisdom in all this things... thank you.

i have been around this person for 3yrs , the first year was hell i left .he cheated on me and told me it was my fault, i had not seen he in 8months he went to be with the one he cheated on me with, when i seen him again he was drunk as usual, every sense then i have tried to make it work i have been put down constantly and told i put him down , i have been told i'm nothing and i think i am all that, i do not have nothing to offer him, he is staying a shelter, and he is still talking to me that way, sometimes we get alone and other he is using me for a punching he is not hitting me ,but the words , bitch .hoe, and then ask me to marry him wow help

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